Tuesday, January 04, 2011

2011: NOT a Resolution

As a rule, I don't make New Year Resolutions.
Hey - did I already state that last year or the year before?
Perhaps in saying that I don't - I do.
So early into a new year and already I am toying with dichotomies. Is it yes? Is it no? Is it both yes and no? Acccccch. Let's move on, shall we? For you will, I have no doubt - wish to get through this one rather quickly...

Not a Resolution #1: I do expect, if not resolve, to be extra feisty and contemptuous this year. Why the heck not? More caution to the wind, I say. 2011 marks for me almost 60 years before the mast. That in itself is cause for celebration and extra ornery-ness. Take it or leave it. Some ladies wear more purple as they get older. Others just get more bitchy. Others more loving and still others - less so. What say I wear a bit more color and hone the bitchiness to a fine art? Oh yes, that does sound good.

Anecdote ----- I did at one time, and only once - make a resolution at the start of a spankin' brand new year - that was maintained - and for over seven months, at that. Allow me a moment of digression from today's primary topic of NOT a Resolution to amuse you with The Resolution That Kept (at least for awhile)...
To be sure, it was silly in nature and frankly, a bit scatological to boot. Funky resolutions concerning impolite habits are simple to make. They are also the easiest to keep from breaking within the first fragile hours/days/weeks of a fresh year. F'rinstance, I will not blow my nose into my shirt...I will shower at least once a month...I will stop licking all the dessert spoons after everyone is done eating ice cream...

So - what exactly was the one-line mantra that someone as weak-willed as 'b' might have resolved to do - or not to do? What unholy ruling could she have possibly entertained being confident of keeping for the whole of - 12 months?

It was, my friends (if you dare to read on and I to risk your judgmental declaration of OMG!, b!) - this:
I had resolved .... when in a small enclosed space with a few other people .... post the natural and very human bodily function known in polite circles as flatulence has been enacted ... I promise not to ask ....


Because, Dear Readers - once a pass has been made - it matters not who the culprit be. Really it doesn't. For what good does it do for someone to take credit? Moreover, what good does it do others than have an opportunity to make admonishments? It won't serve to change what has taken place, nor does any good except to embarrass the perpetrator, who is already at a loss as to how to cover the faux pas of letting loose in a public place. Life is short. If someone uncontrollably (perhaps purposely) passes gas in your presence, you may, at will, remove yourself from proximity. So there.

This was the most well intentioned of any and all resolutions I'd even thought of making (but didn't) over the years. Resolving to lose weight, be a kinder person, read more books, do more art, volunteer for a charitable cause, be less over-sensitive, grow only organic veggies, knit less - or more --- these things would not hold for me. Not for a day, much less a fortnight or longer. But not to ask 'Who farted?!?' Hey - this would, ultimately and surprisingly - prove doable. I adhered to my resolution for 7 whole months - ignoring any and all odiferous passes in my presence - successfully avoiding temptation to identify and/or berate any one person when it did occur. Then, one day - I inexplicably, and without very much prompting, uttered the un-untterable.  With that, I failed the 12 month resolve.

That was the end of Accusatory Sobriety Concerning Public Flatulence. Lasted 7 whole months, and I deserve credit. One for the record books.

Not a Resolution #2:  More of a lifestyle change, really. Here goes:
I am not going to 'multi-task' as I used to. That is to say, multi-tasking will no longer be a much anticipated approach to my days.

(the humor of this cartoon is applicable 
only if one attempts to juggle 
while at the same time scratching one's ear real fast with one's foot)

Not so long ago, I discovered that multi-tasking is not altogether so productive a conduct as it is purported. More of an exercise in futility than not. Take the duo acts of walking and chewing gum at the same time, or washing dishes whilst listening to a book on tape --- duo or multi-tasking in this manner is not unreasonable. For me, however, taking on multiple duties has always meant more. I perform one concentrated task right up against another one of equal significance. This usually proves to be counter-productive. More often than not, simultaneously working on projects that each, in their own - require full attentiveness - results in spontaneous combustion. One can almost detect an audible 'poof into destructive roaring flames' of the desired results.

Visualize me multi-tasking --- studying French while watching a streaming Netflix movie on the computer would be an example. Neither gets my focus so I do both poorly. Sewing and baking cookies. Granted, there is wait time with baking, but one must still be attentive to the task at hand - and a sewing project can certainly distract from being mindful of a batch of cookies in the oven. Blogging while chatting on the phone with a friend - also not the best idea. I put little concentration on blog content, neither is much attention paid to lively banter of conversation. Definitely a lose-lose situation.

The manner in which I multi-task makes for one thing that does not serve the other. Rather, it takes away from. Such 'multi' activities is what I resolve to wean from. In due course.

Mind you, this is NOT a Resolution for the New Year 2011.
What it is, is working towards management of a proposed lifestyle change. There is no official start or stop time frame. Success or failure depends largely on a concerted effort to make a change.

When is a resolution not a resolution, then?
Simple. When I say so, of course.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Play time with semantics. Ya gotta love it.


Conn said...

you stinker you!

House Dreams said...

1. I don't think flatulence is a faux pax. Just nature in action. 7 months?! Wow, proud of you.

2. Aren't we making and failing not-resolutions all year? I'm going to make not-resolutions about one day at a time, or maybe one hour. This year's not-resolution is to stay calmer.

jh said...

your blogs are well crafted, creative and witty.
anything that has ever been or will be is a potential topic for you.
please keep them coming.